I am starting to see some results and it feels amazing. To be fair though, being able to get up at 6 in the morning to go to the gym (after dropping my sister at work) makes me feel good about myself already. And to do this 5 times a week (might go for 6 or 7 soon, yas!) is already something to be proud of.
I have talked to you about my struggles at the gym, which is mostly rooted, to my consistent fear of being judged by the people around me. What I have yet to discuss though are my thoughts about this. See, I think the reason why I feel a certain kind of shame or submissiveness (can’t think of a better word) when I see other people looking at me is because I envy their progress. I always wish I am at their level already and this is incredibly frustrating. This is especially true when I first started out going to the gym when using the treadmill for 10 minutes was already very difficult for me and lifting 15lbs was already a struggle. It was difficult and it was frustrating. I got envious and I conscious because questions like “when will I reach their level” filled my mind. By as time progressed and as weeks passed, I started seeing some small results and these are enough to make myself be comfortable. Or at least, be a little more comfortable as each work out day passes by.
Like any other goal, there is a process and starting out with these processes is just very difficult. But, just like wise men say, you just have to start. And I have started so all I need to do now is to keep going. I recognize the fact that there will be days when it’s more difficult to get up in the morning or days when I’ll be sorer than before because I added some weight or reps or sets… Through these, I just need to keep going. Progress, no matter how small, is still progress. I just need to focus on the fact that I have already started and I just need to keep my eyes on my goals. Better days are coming and I cannot allow myself to be the same person that I was yesterday.
With all these affirmations and motivations in my head, it doesn’t seem too difficult to push myself to work anymore. I’ll continue updating here and maybe soon I’ll be comfortable enough to even post pictures of my progress. How soon? I don’t know.
Stay with me on this journey as I’ll need all the pressure that you could possibly put on me!
I believe three months ago, I wrote about how low my self-esteem was already. I gained so much weight that it totally took its toll on my confidence. It was one of the darkest days of my life (still is), so I had to strip everything out and focus on how I could make myself look and feel better.
In the last three months, I am afraid that there hasn’t been enough progress aside from the fact that I finally got myself to start going to the gym. I didn’t want to announce this or post pictures of me sweating on social media as I don’t want to feel the pressure of people’s expectations and I didn’t want them to judge me for going to the gym and progressing very slowly. Still, I am not very confident about myself yet but I am definitely proud of myself for getting to start something I have always been hesitant of.
Right now, I have been going to the gym for more than 10 days already and my daily routine is doing much better. I have started doing intermittent fasting as well (fasting from 5 in the afternoon to 9 in the morning of the next day) to aid my daily morning trip to the gym. I am slowly feeling some progress but I still need to get over a hump on this whole journey and that is my over-consciousness while at the gym. I know I’m an extrovert and talking to people is exactly what my job is but when I am at the gym I get very anxious to know that people might be looking at me and judging me from afar. This is taking a toll on my performance at the gym since on most days, I’d stop half an hour earlier than my planned span and quit on other exercises just because people are starting to flock in. I get so conscious knowing that bigger guys who are probably stronger are around me and they’re all probably judging my every move.
And okay, I know that they have been through this phase also and that I should just silence them out but it is just incredibly difficult to do so right now. I’m trying but I’m still failing. Hopefully, when I start seeing some obvious results from all the fasting and gym sessions, I’ll be able to get rid of own thoughts that are completely hindering myself to progress better.
I’ll continue updating here and maybe start taking pictures of my progress after my first month at the gym. Right now I want to say that I am very happy with the small successes I’ve been achieving at the gym and I’m super proud of the lifestyle change that has occurred over the last few weeks.
I’ve started. Now, all I have to do is to keep going and trust the process.
Okay… I know I have not posted anything recently and there is really no excuse. Reasons but not excuses. Basically, work has completely taken over my life and, at the same time, I have just found myself in a very lonely place of self-loathe.
I started this blog when I felt the urge to try out vegetarianism. It was a struggle but very exciting, to say the least. I went on to try it out for at least a month and a half and I managed to lose some pounds during the process but then the holidays were ushered in. I was not able to control myself and now, I feel depressed (with respect to people diagnosed with depression) because of how much weight I have gained. Let’s just say this is the result of a little too much #selflove.
So yeah, I am stripping away my pride and letting this all out. I have reached a phase in my life when I literally avoid seeing reflections of myself, ‘selfies’ become very difficult to take, going out with friends and family stress me out and basically, long nights of hating myself for allowing all the weight to come in. Yeah, I do NOT feel okay about my body and myself. I am ashamed. I am very bothered and I am extremely worried that I might not be able get back to my old “less fat” body. Once again, I have lost a phase in my life full of “stay in control or be totally fat”. And it’s getting harder and harder to re-establish a better eating habit as the days go by. I have tried, over the last few weeks, to start losing weight countless times but I always end up running out of motivation to continue. I am in an unfamiliar phase right now where it seems so difficult to control the things I eat and get myself to do physical activities. I don’t like this so I really really need to do something about this and… this is exactly why I needed to write something about this whole personal problem.
I probably need to start writing again to have something that would keep track of my progress. I am assuming that if I will feel the pressure of having to record something about my whole #RoadTo150 (road to 150 lbs) journey, I will always find the motivation to continue to achieve my goals.
Before I end, I just want to clear out that I have nothing against plus sized people (like myself). This is not about shaming people because of their weight. More than anything else, this is about whether or not I feel comfortable with my body. And as I have said, I am not comfortable with it anymore. I am tired of going to sleep feeling bad about myself and then wake up to realize that my clothes don’t fit anymore. It’s just about time for me to start working hard and maybe much harder now. I just need to start putting more physical activities in my routine, eat less, consumer better choices and I know that soon, all the hard work I will hopefully be putting in will pay off!
So stay tuned to my future posts about my progress during my whole #RoadTo150 journey. Ciao!