Last Friday, I weighed then cried and not for very good reasons…
I was debating whether I should workout before or after work because I had a meeting and there were still some things that we needed to take care of (procrastinating accounts team realness). I managed to drag myself out of my bed to get things done beforehitting the gym.
It was a rather short session because I arrived SUPER late and I was running out of time but I at least made sure that I finished my usual and put on a little of my core workout (VERY little actually). And then, it was time to step on the scale. I nervously took of my shoes and stood over the scale, it had to be done. It read 213.0 lbs flat, 1.7lbs less than my previous weight but for some reason, I was still very disappointed. Am I not following my diet properly? Do I need to put in extra work? What else should I do? Can I still push myself harder? I had questions that were so overwhelming that all I could really do is take a moment of silence and really, seriously assess my effort.
I am making progress. Slow, but still progress. As I would like to justify, this is better than nothing. But more than just losing weight, this whole process is about trying to push myself to the limits. This is about finding ways to rehabilitate my spirits and really understand the peak of my body (and mind). So, as overwhelming as these questions area, there is still one thing to do and that it is to get back much stronger tomorrow and then continue working hard for all of the hopes and goals I’ve set.
There really isn’t too much to discuss on this post aside from the fact that yesterday, I finally mustered enough strength to step on the scale and check how far I’ve gone since the last time I stepped on one.
I remember that a couple of years ago, I was strolling between 162 to 170 lbs depending on how much I ate in the week. This was when I was still in college. My weight was much less then but I was still borderline overweight (I’m probably way above now and closing obese) but again, the difference really was how I carried myself. I was confident, I was moving fast, I was going out with friends and I had a lot of activities that I involved myself in. So even if I haven’t actually hit normal in my BMI, I was still much much better in carrying myself then. But so much for how I was 3 or 4 years ago. As I have said, yesterday, I stepped on the scale and weighed (you should know that before actually checking my weight, I was telling myself that I am probably at 240lbs just to make my expectations worse) and surprisingly I’m just a little over 210 lbs. 215.1lbs to be exact. I am heavy, yes. But not as heavy as I thought I’d be. But a couple of things need to be considered here. Firstly, I have been going to the gym for nearly a week already before I weighed in and secondly, I have been doing intermittent fasting for 3 or 4 weeks prior so I am thinking that I might have actually weighed more especially after the holidays.
To be honest, I was really feeling scared about doing it (as discussed in my previous blog post: IT’S 2018 AND I’M BACK! #repurposing #RoadTo150) because I did not feel ready to check my weight and find out that I am actually far heavier than expected. It was more about how much worse I would feel about myself than just the thought of seeing my weight. This whole thing had taken its toll on my confidence already but now that I have actually done it, I feel some sort of liberation from all the anxiety. I cannot, however, say that I am feeling much better now because there is just so much to do and work hard on. But since this was the weight I had before I lost weight in college kind of gave me a glimpse of hope. Enough hope to look forward to losing more and most importantly, enough hope to keep going and then celebrate more successes in this journey.
Pretty good 2 months for this year so far in terms of my personal rehabilitation. I will do my best to post an update at least once a week just so I could keep track of my progress and you can bet that I will definitely keep pushing and I’m looking forward to finding a better place for my self-esteem and get that confidence back!
Keep up with me on this, we’ll keep rolling!
I am starting to see some results and it feels amazing. To be fair though, being able to get up at 6 in the morning to go to the gym (after dropping my sister at work) makes me feel good about myself already. And to do this 5 times a week (might go for 6 or 7 soon, yas!) is already something to be proud of.
I have talked to you about my struggles at the gym, which is mostly rooted, to my consistent fear of being judged by the people around me. What I have yet to discuss though are my thoughts about this. See, I think the reason why I feel a certain kind of shame or submissiveness (can’t think of a better word) when I see other people looking at me is because I envy their progress. I always wish I am at their level already and this is incredibly frustrating. This is especially true when I first started out going to the gym when using the treadmill for 10 minutes was already very difficult for me and lifting 15lbs was already a struggle. It was difficult and it was frustrating. I got envious and I conscious because questions like “when will I reach their level” filled my mind. By as time progressed and as weeks passed, I started seeing some small results and these are enough to make myself be comfortable. Or at least, be a little more comfortable as each work out day passes by.
Like any other goal, there is a process and starting out with these processes is just very difficult. But, just like wise men say, you just have to start. And I have started so all I need to do now is to keep going. I recognize the fact that there will be days when it’s more difficult to get up in the morning or days when I’ll be sorer than before because I added some weight or reps or sets… Through these, I just need to keep going. Progress, no matter how small, is still progress. I just need to focus on the fact that I have already started and I just need to keep my eyes on my goals. Better days are coming and I cannot allow myself to be the same person that I was yesterday.
With all these affirmations and motivations in my head, it doesn’t seem too difficult to push myself to work anymore. I’ll continue updating here and maybe soon I’ll be comfortable enough to even post pictures of my progress. How soon? I don’t know.
Stay with me on this journey as I’ll need all the pressure that you could possibly put on me!