I’ve been on the edge emotionally for years now. I knew that I’m on the verge of breaking down and just completely lose it because this whole struggle has been so mentally draining for me. Imagine having to wake up every single day feeling lost. I have never seen myself this bad and if I were to be completely honest, I know that I am merely dragging myself to see people outside my current circle. It’s a challenge on its own. And that’s crazy coming from an insanely extrovert guy like myself. But there, it happened. Like all stories, there is a turning point. I thought that the turning point for me was when my pants’ button popped out because I have completely outgrew it. But now, I think yesterday’s altercation with my mom could be my turning point. Or at least I hope it is. I appreciate everyone’s understanding and effort to make me feel better despite the way I see myself but it’s just tough knowing that the very people who I expect to stand by me on my weakest point ended up being ashamed to see how I turned out — how much I gained weight. And it pains me to realize that it affects them as much as it affects me. It really does especially when I know that I am trying, maybe not hard enough, but I am.
Countless times, I’ve tried to get things going and to sustain any amount of momentum I gain, which my blogs can actually attest to, only to end up falling back again. And again. And again. Right now, my heart is just heavy, I’m panting and I can barely breathe and it’s not because I’m physically tied but because I’m just emotionally weak right now. Completely broken. Completely shattered to my soul.
Again, I hope this is my turning point. I have no vivid thoughts right now as to where I wanna put my first out but one thing’s clear, I don’t like where I’m at. I don’t wanna cry over the same reason again and there’s no way I would wanna deal with something like this ever.
As first step, I’ve deactivated all my social accounts. I realized it was harming me more than it was helping. The less exposure and attention I get from people, and the less visibility they get of me, the better. And perhaps it’s also a good time to do a social detox. Gotta keep my mind off of things for a while. Gotta shift it towards my work, my family, my goals, and ultimately, myself. I don’t know if this is my turning point but unless I am ready to re-calibrate my mind, nothing will ever be enough to compel me to move. Nothing.
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